Keebler Fudge Shoppe Grasshopper cookies are the same thing as Thin Mints.

This has been driving me crazy for YEARS, because the Girl Scouts of America is an evil organization that has everyone duped into thinking that the only way you can get those delicious cookies is to buy them from a pushy 8-year-old bitch outside a grocery store or through their obnoxious parents at your office.  NOT SO.

I mean, it makes sense.  If people knew that you could buy them whenever you wanted from your nearest Ralph’s, Albertsons, Vons, Stater Brothers, Pavillions, Fresh n’ Easy, Safeway or Piggly Wiggly (yeah, that’s as many grocery stores as I could think of), they would sell literally no cookies and those little green uniforms would be badgeless.

For anyone who is thinking, “Dude, Samoas are so much better. Fuck Thin Mints”– Fuck you.  You take your nasty coconut caramel pieces of poo and suck my racially ambiguous penis.

(I actually don’t have a racially ambiguous penis… It’s black.)

But for reals, don’t give me that.  Thin Mints are the lifeblood of the GS crew, and if people ever start to figure out that you can get about 2 times the amount of cookies from Keebler for about half the price, they are donezo.

Thankfully for my bank account, I figured this out.  Do you know what else Keebler does better than the Girl Scouts?  Package their cookies.

Remember that time you opened a box of Thin Mints (straight out of the freezer, of course) and sat down to enjoy that rich, chocomint goodness and then woke up from your sugar coma on the couch 2 hours later, drooling chocomint and desperately clutching the empty box?  Well, you should, because it happens anytime anyone ever eats Thin Mints.

Keebler, on the other hand, cares about your health, neatly packaging Grasshopper cookies in tiny bags of only 100 calories.  (See figure A.)

(Figure A.)

Thanks to Keebler, I now have to open a new bag every time I would like to consumer another 100 calories of deliciousness.  Therefore, once I’ve eaten about 6 bags, the sugar coma has already hit me to the extent that I’m physically incapable of opening a 7th bag.

The Girl Scouts provide no such convenience to their customers, who are shamefully destined for obesity via Thin Mints.

Well, I should probably start being productive again, but please, PLEASE don’t spend $4 on another box of Thin Mints.  The money you’ll save will soon add up, and you can then go buy popcorn from the Boy Scouts.

Oh, really?  You’re selling popcorn?  The exact same popcorn I can buy in  there that doesn’t cost $2 a bag?  Oh, so the difference is that the Boy Scouts logo is on it?  But the popcorn is the exact same?  Oh, it’s worse?  Well shit, in that case I’ll take 5!