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Sex and the City 2 is a (really shitty) 145 minute commercial.

May 30, 2010

So I saw Sex and the City 2 today, and it truly exceeded all of my expectations.  What I expected was a really crappy movie.  What I got was an absolute train wreck shot in commercial form.

(If you plan on seeing this movie, you can continue reading, because there’s no way what I’m about to write could even be considered spoilers.  You can’t spoil a movie with no plot.)

Ok, so I’m going to amend my classification:  the movie isn’t just a straight up commercial–it’s more of a hybrid commercial slash public service announcement.

As far as the commercial section, this is what the commercial was advertising:

1. Abu Dhabi- So I didn’t do my homework, and it turns out the movie wasn’t filmed in the UAE, but in Morocco.  Apparently the UAE is pissed about how the country was portrayed.  Well, they can  stop whining, because this movie basically did the work of a visitors bureau and will successfully convince the ridiculous women out there who believe that Carrie Bradshaw’s word is law to go to Abu Dhabi.  They’ll be all, “LET’S GO TO ABU DHABI AND SHOPPPPP. 20 DOLLAR SHOES AMG!”  I will not go.  Long pants in that kind of heat are a no.

2. Apple- “You guys, I can’t get reception on my iPhone.” “Can you help me make sure that my iPhone is set up for international calls?”  “Oh no, I dropped my iPhone!”  If only the iPad had launched before filming wrapped.  Also, my friend Kirsten was like, “Oh yeah, I read about HP paying to have their computers in the movie.”  Nice move, HP.  Too bad I didn’t even notice.  Maybe you should have paid a little bit more and gotten written into the script.

3.  Dior- Ok, obvi there were about 3 million other clothing and accessory lines featured in this movie, but Dior totes wins.  Too bad the insipid women who are willing to blindly follow in SJPizzle’s footsteps probably can’t afford Dior.  That’s good news, though, for the men who make their sketchy livings rolling out sheets full of knockoffs on NYC sidewalks.  Oh, and Forever 21.  And Steve Madden.

Ok, once you get past all the fashion product placements, you start realizing that this movie is also throwing up huge warning signs.  It basically tells you all these things not to do, which is the real value in the film, I have to say.  The following are the major themes that showed up in the PSA portion of SATC2:

1. Plastic surgery (and the dangers of not getting it)- Sarah Jessica Parker’s face. Period.

2. Plastic surgery (and the dangers of getting it)- Liza Minnelli’s face. Period.

3. Conduct of Female American Tourists in the Middle East- From this movie, I learned that I shouldn’t do a number of things.

(SUBLIST–

1.  Don’t grab a man’s penis in public

2. Don’t smoke a hookah like it’s a cock

3. Don’t go out in shorts and a tank top with my tits hanging out and empty out my condom-filled purse in the middle of the street

4. Make sure to tell my manservant that he can go home, otherwise he’ll stay in the hotel room all night

5. Don’t leave my passport in a crowded market

6. Don’t go into sketchy back rooms in sketchy back alleys with sketchy men trying to sell me knockoffs.

7.  Make sure to learn the bare minimum of words and phrases in Arabic to make it look like you’re kind of trying to understand and appreciate their culture while still coming across as condescending and entitled.)

THANK YOU SEX AND THE CITY FOR CLEARING ALL THAT UP FOR ME!  And ok, last thing the movie warned against:

4.  Prostitution- Refer to the scene where Samantha is in the shorts and tank top with her tits hanging out, violently waving Trojans at a crowd of men.  She looks like a really old hooker.  I’m sorry, she is a really old hooker, and it’s just sad and desperate and scary.  You don’t want to get to that point.  The scene was strangely reminiscent of the gang bang scene at the end of Requiem for a Dream, and I don’t think that’s a comparison any movie would care to have drawn, unless it’s some creepy sadistic porno.  Ok, I’m going to stop.

I have to give it to them on one aspect of the movie, though.  They did SUCH a good job at making it reallllly Middle Eastern-y.  Quite frankly, I don’t know how they did it.  Oh, wait.  I think I do.  See, I found the transcript for a brainstorming session when they were trying to put together this gem of a script (no I didn’t).  It’s really insightful:

Ignorant Guy #1:  So, like, how can we make this more Middle Eastern-y?

Ignorant Guy #2: BURKAS!

Ignorant Guy #3: THE BLACK MARKET!

Ignorant Guy #4: WOMEN BEING TREATED LIKE SHIT!

Ignorant Guy #2:  RUGS!

Ignorant Guy #3: CAMELS!

Ignorant Guy #2: SERVANTS!

Ignorant Guy #4: BELLY DANCERS!

Ignorant Guy #3: TURBANS!

Sheer. Genius.

The only thing missing was terrorists and swimming pools filled with oil.  (Oh, but they did each have their own separate cars, so they def wasted a lot of gas, which was a must.)

Basically, the people who make these movies are fucking awesome.  In the last movie, they managed to turn Jennifer Hudson into the blackest person ever. (Seriously, go back and watch it.  She lives in a “one beh-room apartment with 3 roommates” and when she gets her engagement ring she’s super excited because it “ain’t renit”…”Rented”. That word would be “rented.”)  And now in this movie, they managed to give us a sweet-ass stereotype of the Middle East.  And it’s not like I could get that from like every other movie… or Fox News.  Truly groundbreaking.  I’m going to go regenerate some  brain cells now.

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