Ke$ha needs to get laid.

Seriously, will someone other than the sex poodles from 3Oh!3 please fuck her?  I’m getting really tired of her singing about how horny she is and how she wants to go get drunk and bone.

Nobody wants to have a slumber party in your basement.  Where did that even come from?  That sounds like a pedophile’s birthday invitation.

To any guys who were either mildly considering or had even decided against boinking Ke$ha:

I know it may seem this way, but please note, she is not Lady Gaga.  She has no talent and her face is at least 50% less busted.  She also does not sing.  There is nothing to be intimidated by, especially not the weiners of the sex poodles from 3Oh!3.  They’ve clearly not been satisfying her, and I’m not surprised.  What kind of man sings about Helen Keller like that?  Real men fuck Helen Keller, and they don’t sing about it because she can’t hear them.  I would write something terrible about blind people too but they can’t even read it so what’s the point?

In all seriousness though, why are there not more famous blind or deaf people?  There are like 5, and Stevie Wonder’s hair makes me just not care.  And why was Helen Keller such a big deal?  Is it because she was a triple threat?

If you’re offended, good.  That means you have a soul.  I do too, but it’s on vacation.  Or maybe someone was jackin’ it to my picture because they got bored during that 309482-hour long tennis match and stole my entire soul.  I hope that isn’t the case.  I really need it this weekend.