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Facebooking is not a crime.

July 26, 2010

I mean, it might get you pregnant, and then you’ll die, but c’mon: it’s FACEBOOK.  Get the fuck with it, Miley [and George and Jennifer and Drew].

So a troupe of A-list (ish?  I think I’m kind of over all of them…) celebs have a new enemy, and it’s not people who eat meat and/or have brains–it’s Facebook, you guys.  (Good guess for those of you who knew what I was going to say.)

Normally, I would totally follow blindly and take up whatever inane cause Miley decided to tout, but this one actually affects me, and I am not fucking having it.  You are not about to go derail 97% of my social life, bitch.

Then again, I don’t really think it’s me that she’s trying to keep away from the good ol’ Book of Face, but I don’t really think that matters.  That’s like telling kindergarteners they’re too young for condoms, which they clearly need.

So a tiny bit of background on this–Miley Cyrus apparently has never heard of Craigslist, which is something to actually be terrified of–you know, with its rather blatant and rampant prostitution and sex trade offers floating around.  (<— For reals, that shit is disgusting.)  Anyway, Miley heard about some 13-year-old being abducted by a 48-year-old who had posed as a young gentleman caller on the FB.  I won’t make a joke about that because I don’t want to go straight to hell, but Miley took it as a sign that she needed to stand up and say the following:

“I’m urging kids, don’t go on the Internet. It’s not fun; it’s dangerous.”

Um, whoa.  Fuck Facebook, Miley is taking on the whole Internet, which I bet played absolutely no part in launching her career (To cLARAfy, the Internet successfully served A. to remind people of who the fuck Billy Ray Cyrus was and why anyone should maybe pay attention to his, like, bucktoothed, like, daughter, like like and B. as a listening platform for “Achy Breaky Heart” so Miley’s shit would sound okay by comparison.)

Let’s be real, it’s called parent supervision, but again, I’m not sure Miley is familiar, unless you count her dad watching her nakey and draped in a sheet at a Vanity Fair photo shoot.  Or keeping an eye on her while she sexually gyrates on the sets of her music videos.  Or scanning Goog Images for pictures like this:

I’m glad there’s a version of “What Not To Wear,” but for life choices.  You’re right–really just can’t be tamed.

And I mean, neither could Drew Barrymore, who miraculously got caught up in drugs and drinking at 1o without the help of the internet.  Weird.

Le sigh, let’s talk about how much George Clooney hates Facebook.  According to Georgie Porgie, he would “rather have a prostate exam on live television by a guy with very cold hands than have a Facebook page.”

Um, duh George. We all know you would rather have a guy’s hand in your butt than…. well, pretty much anything.  I’m not even sure what point you’re trying to make, but I recommend sending the transcript of the interview in which you said that right on over to Tom Cruise’s house.  You’re dying to prove your Facebook hatred, he’s trying to prove he’s normal by televising his life with Jail Baity Holmes on a reality show–it’s perfect.

Anyway, I’d have to say the only person in the crew who has any real evidence of the dangers of social networks in the hands of children is Jennifer Aniston.  (I will give you a cookie if you can finish the joke for me there and know what I’m referencing.)  But unfortunately, I think that they still need to spend their time on more important things, like being quiet.

The Internet is fucking awesome.  So much porn, so many learning experiences.  And with Facebook, so many ways to access and share the porn.  It really  is a social network, and I don’t think any child should be deprived of that.  So suck it, Cyrus, along with your 1228432 Myspace friends.

(Such a hypocritical bitch, but god damn if she can’t throw one raging party in the U.S.A.  My hands are up, yo.  (Because I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, but I don’t sing “Heyo”.  Fuck, I’m done.))


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