Restaurants are just like boys.

Disclaimer: The way I act towards restaurants is not the way I act towards boys.  I put much more effort into my relationships with restaurants and am additionally much needier.  I don’t want to get into what that says about me, but please don’t think I’m one of those crazy boy-stalker girls.  They can suck my penis.

So over the past few days, I’ve had some really upsetting hiccups in my relationships with certain restaurants, and it’s made me realize that they’re just like fucking guys, and it’s really disappointing.

Maybe it’s because these restaurant relationships are with establishments that, in fact, bear the name of a boy (or man, let’s go with man), but it is just unacceptable.

I don’t like feeling like a super needy girlfriend (er… let’s be honest, we have more of a fuck buddy relationship in which we meet up and I go wild and then feel guilty immediately after and then we don’t talk for a while, but of course I eventually go back for more), but that’s what’s been happening lately and it’s NOT OK.

These boyish restaurants to which I am referring are Henry’s Hat (who I call Henry, because I would never date just a hat) and McDonald’s, and they do the following to piss me off:

Rarely text me.

Henry pretty much hardly ever texts me.  It’s really sad.  I sit by my phone waiting ALL DAY for a text about half-off food or exciting happy hour specials, and day in and day out—nothing. Sometimes he’ll send me an email, but it’s just not the same.  I’m not a coworker or business colleague, Henry.  I expect to be treated with the respect that a mass text implies, and I really enjoy getting them.

One day I left my phone at home and was like “Ugh I’m going to have so many BBMs and texts and missed calls when I get back.”  And there was just one from you, and while some people would see it as embarrassing that the only person who tried to contact me all day was a restaurant, I loved it.

Really short responses to my FB wall posts.

I wrote on Henry’s Facebook yesterday, and it was a really, really sweet post talking about how much I miss him.  Actually, you should probably just see it for yourself:

“Looking forward Lara”?  That’s all you have to say to me, after I basically declared my love for you and told you how excited I was to see you again? (<— See what I’m talking about, I’m acting insane.)

No answer when I call, but when I drive to see him he’s totally there and clearly just ignored me.

So this one is about McDonald’s, who I wouldn’t have even called but Yogurtland and I were fighting because he closes at 10 on weekdays where I live, which is the definition of bull shit.

I really wanted ice cream or yogurt or something, and everything I looked up was closed, so I turned to McDonald’s, because he’s essentially my backup.  I wanted to make sure he was available, so I decided to put myself out there and give him a call.

Of course, he doesn’t fucking pick up the phone.  And again, of course, when I decide to drive over and see if he’s home he’s wide fucking open to everyone.  How does he get off ignoring my call like that?

Gives me a bunch of shit I don’t need, but can’t fulfill a simple request.

So McDonald’s has Wi-Fi, which is so unnecessary because he’s not fucking Starbucks and nobody wants to admit they’re hanging out with Mickey D.  He’s basically the guy that’s really fun to hook up with but you feel bad and don’t tell your friends about it because he’s not that cute and maybe they don’t see what you see and he’s just dirty and they don’t like him.  (Basically.  I haven’t really put that much thought into it.)*

Do you know what McDonald’s doesn’t have?  Chocolate ice cream.  He has vanilla, but no chocolate, which is super lame.  Anyone who prefers vanilla is boring, straight up.

But here’s the thing–he has chocolate shakes.  So of course, my roommate and I request that whatever magical substance (which we assumed was chocolate…) he uses to make the shakes into chocolate ones could be used to make our Reese’s McFlurries into chocolate ones.

This concept escaped McD.

In typical boy fashion, he couldn’t understand what the fuck we were talking about (and probably assumed we were stoned because we were laughing at how dumb he was) and then ended up kind of doing it right, but he still didn’t mix up the Reese’s well enough.

I think I’m going to take him off my backup list.  I’m not going to break up with Henry though, because in spite of his issues with being super distant, he really does satisfy all of my restaurant needs.  I recommend you check him out.  (<— See, I really am super chill.  I’m not even possessive–total girlf material right there.)

*This one time I was at a gas station and this guy was all “Do you want a coupon for a Big Mac?” and I was all, “I don’t eat McDonald’s” even though there were about 5 empty McD’s breakfast bags on the floor in front of my passengers seat.  Point proven.

**Serious note (probs first one ever): Henry’s Hat is an amazingdelicioushappyhappy restaurant in LA and if you live here you should go there because they have yummy food and deals and drinks.  I recommend a bowl of sangria and a deck of cards (because yes, they offer you games at your table, including Twister) to play King’s Cup.  I also recommend going with “Words for Penises” or “STDs” when you draw the category card.  The people at the tables around you will really enjoy it.