You should be able to marry who(what)ever you want.

You know how when we were little and you’d be like, “I love this burrito,” and someone would be all, “Then why don’t you marry it?”  Um, I fucking wish I could, thanks.

I’m sure from the title you probably were expecting this post to be about gay marriage and Prop 8, and while the principle does apply in that case, I wouldn’t say it’s really my main focus here.  I do have to say, though, that the argument that many people bring up against it–”If you let gay people get married, what’s next!? Animals, etc.”–is pretty much 100% my point.  I hope that’s what’s next, because I have a lot of things I’d like to marry that would be way more satisfying than a man.  And some that, I’ve come to find, are just as disappointing as men, but I really like to keep my options open anyway.

That said, one of the following is my future husband (And yes, just one, I plan on marrying once. None of that divorce bull shit.  That’s why I’m choosing carefully.):

1. Anderson Cooper – Nope, not the homosexual newscaster–my puppy.  You’re probs like, “What the fuck, why would you want to marry your puppy?”  Um, because my puppy is adorable, and I’m not allowed to have him at my apartment because my jack off landlord sucks (for serious, he came upstairs tonight to tell my roommate and I that it sounded like an earthquake was happening  right after we started our first P90x DVD.  Thanks, Mike, why the fuck do you think we’re doing P90X?  Slash fuck you, go talk to the elephants that live above us then.), but maybe if I was all, “No, my husband is moving in,” I might be able to get away with it.

2.  Kirk – As in Kirkland Signature, as in Costco, as in pure orgasm in grocery shopping form.  Actually, it’s more than grocery shopping.  Costco is for life shopping.  Costco/Kirk could undoubtedly take care of me and any children we have no problem.  Cradle to grave.  Literally–Costco sells both diapers and caskets. He has everything.  Cheap booze. Cheap meat.  Churros.  What more could a girl ask for? I’ve been letting my relationship with Kirk progress naturally.  I see him across the street from my work everyday, but I don’t always say hi.  I used to go see him almost every day for frozen yogurt and chicken bakes, but I decided to cool it, be a little bit more aloof.  I think it’s working rather well, but I’ll let you know how it goes.

3.  Not Ikea- Fuck Ikea.  You know there’s a problem with a store when the assembly instructions include a picture of a knife that’s crossed out.  Wow, thanks for the reminder not to fucking kill myself while putting together your furniture made of compressed sawdust. I’m not going to go into my whole Ikea dramafest story, but let’s just say it was a blessing that the security cameras caught me screaming and kicking things outside of the store because nobody was there to help me get my shit in my car.  The tapes were rather useful when convincing customer service to give me free drawers for the dresser that I totally cocked up while following their god damned cartoon directions.

4.  Loehmann‘s – I don’t even need to explain this.  If you know what Loehmann’s is, you know why I’d want to marry it.

5.  Yogurtland Lemon Passion Fruit Yogurt – Unfortunately, this is the one that got away.  They took this flavor away, and it makes me sad all day.

6.  Mogle’s rack – My intern Mogle has a pretty slammin’ rack.  I mostly included this one because I wanted to embarrass her, because I didn’t think I did so adequately enough in my wedding post.  In fact, I think she was kind of proud of that one.  And who knows, she might be proud of this too, because it is a magical rack.  (Nordstrom also has a pretty nice rack, so I guess I’d hit that too, but I don’t know if it’s marriage material.)

7. My bed – It’s so comfy and I’m in it right now and I win.  If you don’t have memory foam incorporated into your sleepy time cloud in some way, you are robbing yourself of the experience of a lifetime.  Yes, my bed is my sleepy cloud, and probs about 99% of you aren’t invited.

Sorry if this post was super boring.  There’s a slight chance I have some material coming in.  Then again, there’s also a slight chance that I could win the lottery tomorrow.  I’m hoping its the latter.

P.S. Husband Option #1 hanging out with Husband Option #7.  Fuck, I think they’re on to me.