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Guys *will* go through your purse.

August 23, 2010

When I was in 7th grade, this girl wrote in my yearbook, “Always wear clean underwear in case you’re in a car accident,” which is a really fucking weird thing to write in a yearbook.

First of all, any allusion to me dying is generally not something I’m a fan of.  Second of all, if I’m dead, I don’t think I would really give a shit at that point.  I’m also imagining I might pee myself in the act of dying in a horrific accident, so it doesn’t really matter anyway.

What I’m trying to say is that being mindful of your underwear in the context of a car accident is pretty fucking stupid.  I’m sure we can all think of a lot of other situations in which someone seeing your panty pants in an embarrassing state would be a little bit more upsetting.

I would also venture to suggest that the contents of your purse should be held to the same standard, which brings me to the inspiration of this post.

For all the girls out there who enjoy sluing around and are additionally stupid enough to leave their purses in unfamiliar bedrooms (or other locations in which they got down the night before), clutch contents can leave a lasting impression.  And for reals, boys will go through purses.

I’m not saying that all guys are nosy, but some of them are honest enough to at least check for an ID to try to get it back to you… or some might steal money from your wallet, but whatever.

Point is: you’re sending a major message with whatever you leave behind.

For example, a girl that carries a toothbrush around in her purse is pretty much expecting to get ploughed that night.  Same goes for the girl who carries a razor for on-the-go leg shaving (<—- knew someone who did this).

And I know I egregiously buried the lead here, but my friend passed a purse contents story on to me and I couldn’t not share it.

Apparently this guy she knows had a house party, and I wasn’t paying attention enough to get the details of the story, slash I was totally blindsided by the punchline, but I guess some whore left her purse there, and all that was in it was beef jerky and lube.

Side note: I’ve figured for a long time now that most of my readers are of the female persuasion, because who the fuck else cares about the Bachelorette and references to other super girly shit, but then I found out yesterday that all these frat guys totes read my blog.  Apparently my slightly curtailed vulgarity has mass appeal. Win.

So this is for all of my readers with weiners: scale of 1-10, how terrified would you be if you just got it on with a girl, and then find beef jerky and lube in her abandoned purse?

I can’t imagine any other reaction other than your weiner shriveling up and retreating and crying itself to sleep for at least a few nights.

I don’t remember what kind of beef jerky she said it was, but I’m going to assume Slim Jim.  I can’t imagine it would be the classy kind of jerky that you’d buy at a fair, but I don’t think that carrying any kind of jerky around with you is classy in any way.

I just hope to baby Jesus it wasn’t the kind that has a jerky stick on one side and a cheese stick on the other, because at that point you should just end it all.

Equally disconcerting, though, is the lube.  Not only does that suggest (to me at least) that this girl is ready to get totally owned, but she’s anticipating said ownage to occur from behind.

So. in. ap.pro.pri.ate.

I almost feel bad writing this because baby intern Erin’s family are apparently my most loyal readers, which I found out yesterday when they straight up acted like I was a celebrity when I met them, but I feel like this is a good semi-corrupting lesson for her little brother.

The lesson: Check the bitch’s purse BEFORE getting down.

In fact, I’m starting to think that all guys should really do this.  I’m personally willing to allow my privacy to be regularly invaded just to prove that I’m not a psycho whore.

An added benefit for guys: no wasting time on cock teasy girls who you’ll need to immediately throw into your Flojuggler.

Ending note:  I immediately got this flash of a bar entrance equipped with an airport-style x-ray machine that would scan purse contents and display messages above the gate like “Out of Commission” or “Minorly Whorey.”  I wish that were the world we lived in slash hope that one day it is.  Cuz hey, I’m a dreamer.

13 Comments leave one →
  1. Krista permalink
    August 23, 2010 11:47 am

    Yes it was a slim jim and yes the boy that found the purse ate her slim jim later that night.

    – Was she being considerate and thinking to offer food post-sex?
    – Did she opt for a light snack rather than full dinner because she was planning on a heavy binge drinking session that night?

    I mean we can ASSume that she obvi likes it in the back door but the slim jim will forever remain a mystery.

  2. August 23, 2010 11:55 am

    So I just checked the contents of my purse to see what was in there, to make sure it was weiner-shrivel proof, and I have pretty normal stuff: iPod, wallet, anti-bacterial hand gel, keys, etc. And I do have something that is possibly a bonus: a non-fiction book called “The Talent Code”. It’s a semi science-y book about how the human mind aquires skill and how we can tap into this skill-acquisition process through certain actions. Pretty f*ing awesome to me. And if any guy saw that book as a negative, he doesn’t deserve to get into my pants.

    • August 23, 2010 11:58 am

      I agree, all of it is super normal.

      I recommend with the book that you go through and make sexually-inspired notes in the margins about “skill” acquisition and tapping into said skill through specific “actions.”

      I think that guys would be impressed.

  3. Laura permalink
    August 23, 2010 1:15 pm

    I dunno, I would think a guy would be happy that 1.) this girl knows how to eat and 2.) she wants to get sum.

    Another thing to do before you die: give your BFF your computer and email password, so they can clear your browser history and emails before your parents read it. ;)

    • August 23, 2010 1:28 pm

      1. I’m really concerned that you think that having beef jerky qualifies a girl as “knowing how to eat”
      2. Just because a girl wants to get some doesn’t mean you should want to give her some. If that’s the case, your weiner will for sure fall off at some point.

      And wow I didn’t even think about that but that is a major good call.

      • Laura permalink
        August 24, 2010 8:12 pm

        I think you have higher expectations of the men in your life than I do of those in mine (which I admire). Maybe one day I will stop thinking that guys like things like slim jims and girls who are always ready to get some. LOL Because, the ones I know now, well….

  4. kjpugs permalink
    August 23, 2010 4:03 pm

    Anyone consider that, should she not get any ass, she had planned to get it on with the slim jim?

    ((shudddder))

    • August 23, 2010 8:03 pm

      I did think of that, but didn’t want to scare away readers because that shit is fucked up.

      • August 23, 2010 8:30 pm

        Meh, I could live with a slim jim. Now, if it’d been a kielbasa… THAT would’ve been f@cked up.

        I mean, what guy can possibly stack up against a kielbasa? ;-)

  5. August 24, 2010 3:18 am

    people are stupid

  6. August 24, 2010 11:23 pm

    You’re one funny crazy girl! In addition to actually being a talented writer good for you!

  7. Laila permalink
    August 26, 2010 3:07 pm

    Love your blog, Lara. Speaking of “really fucking weird things to write in a yearbook”… Let me remind you of what you wrote in mine: “Blah blah blah…make sure Brent wears a condom!” Thanks for that. Best advice I ever got.

    • August 26, 2010 3:10 pm

      Hey, it’s what I’m here for. (I’m also laughing out loud at work because I don’t remember writing that AT ALL. And normally I remember awesome things.)

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