I suck at Life.

I have a lot of guy friends.  I mean,  I have girl friends too, but due to my minimal drama and bullshit tolerances, boys make more sense.

Clearly, I spend a lot of time getting shitcanned with my guy friends, but the rest of the time our activities consist mainly of what you would imagine an uber-religious, virginal couple doing on a Sunday afternoon, but then add alcohol.

So basically grocery shopping, museum trips, hardware stores and board games.  Kinda drunk.

Last night it was dinner, wine and a board game–specifically, the game of Life.  At which I suck.  Even though I’m awesome at actual life.  And it’s kind of hard to “suck” at a game that is 100% luck.  But I straight up made an art out of blowing goats at this game.

First of all, let me just say that whatever version of the game my friend had was definitely not what we all grew up with.  You didn’t even get to pick a house.  You just paid $40,000 for a generic house, basically ruining the best part about the game:  That you could be a doctor who lives in the split-level and pay like no taxes but rake in mad cash.

Bull fucking shit.

I thought I was really going to like the game, because all the things that happen in life that normally cost you asstons of money (like getting married and having babies) were on tiles that said “Collect presents.”  I love presents.  This is awesome.

Too bad the amount of present money was vastly disproportionate to all the other shit I had to buy because the spinner was plotting against me.  But of course, my friend’s life was awesome.  Let me give you a recap.

Although he was a journalist with a paltry salary, he discovered uranium, won the lottery, rescued and returned a lion to the zoo, got into like 15 car accidents  but was covered by insurance, and won the Nobel Prize.  He also had twin boys and won $300,000 on a $20,000 bet on the spinner.

Yeah, pretty sweet fucking life.  Because all of that totally happens.

My life–kind of the opposite:

• After college I got a job as a teacher with a shit salary.  Awesome.
• Also rescued a tiger and returned it to the zoo, because there are apparently loose tigers all over the fucking place
• Immediately had to take out a loan from the bank to buy horses for $60,000 because my salary was so shitty.
• Bought a helicopter for $50,000 (which is less expensive than horses, apparently, and also more expensive than my house)
• Bought a yacht
• Paid to go on 3 cruises even though I owned a yacht
• Bought another yacht
• Had one kid and adopted 2 more because I’m Angelina fucking Jolie apparently
• Bought a “fashion wardrobe” for $10,000 at the tail end, so at least I was a well-dressed old lady

It was like we drew life straws and I got the short, bent one with holes in it.  Thanks, Milton Bradley.

The only thing that kept me from being 100% broke was the fact that their version of “life insurance” has nothing to do with your family being taken care of after you die, but rather insurance against your life sucking mad balls.  Halfway through it would be like, “Collect $70,000 if you have life insurance.”  (What are we teaching children with this game?)

Additionally, one of the required items is that 3/4 of the way through your life you donate $120,000 to homeless people.  (Communism FTW.)

Anyway, I should probably get back to work.  Or go out and search for some lions, or uranium, because clearly that’s the way to get ahead in life.

P.S. We’re also considering developing our own version of Life called College… or Actual Life.  “You forgot to use a condom.  Pay $5,000 for an abortion.” (<— courtesy of my friend (<— don’t judge my friend <— or me)))