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I’m really good at friends.

August 17, 2011
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Even online ones that I don’t know and learn about [their uteri (<-- plural of uterus)] by reading their blogs.

Was that creepy?  Perfect. Because that fits with the theme of this post from Emma K. Harr with whom I swapped blogs and explained to her how to be an actress.  I’m really good at advice too.

So here she is.  Enjoy her (and her Dexter references). (<– Not in a sexual way(<–Except for the Dexter references))

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Well, hello there, you attractive audience, you!

I know, I know, I’m here just in the nick of time because you were about to forsake the good life and leave us all behind by taking the proverbial eternal plunge for fear I might not show up to save you, and lo and behold, here I am, rescuing you just as you were about to lean out too far over the chasm and meet your own premature demise.

And what a shame THAT would have been!

Because today, ladies and gents, I am here to share with you the Wisdom Of Olde that is only passed down through the generations, and these golden nuggets of grandiloquence I have resolved to pass unto thee contain knowledge the likes of which ye have probably ne’er seen before nor will e’er see agayne!!!

…Ahem…

So, without further ado, I present to you…

HOW TO BE A CREEPER IN TEN STEPS OR LESS

We all know someone whom we just can’t bear to live without knowing every single step they take, so buck up all you creeper-hopefuls!  This list is a comprehensive guide to becoming a better lover, friend, neighbor, slightly overbearing coworker, or genuinely concerned citizen.  And I mean, let’s be real, we all know that your beloved is playing hard to get, so you gotta up the stakes to make them realize they love you back

This is a comprehensive process, but each step can be enacted on its own apart from the others depending on your personal preference of creep. 

STEP 1: PICK SOMEONE TO FIXATE ON.  THEN DON’T STOP FIXATING ON THEM.

Urban Dictionary defines a ‘creeper’ as “a person who does weird things, like stares at you while you sleep, or looks at you for hours through a window. Usually a close friend or relative. You know right away if that person is a creeper or does creeper things. It is not hard to spot the creeper.”

The basic concept of this rule is to always be there.   At every turn, behind every tree, inside every conveniently-placed trashcan, you are there for her/him.  You are loyalty incarnate, my friend!  (Just be mindful of your subject’s affinity for punching things.)

STEP 2: SEXUAL EUPHEMISMS

Learn them.  Hone them.  Whip them out on unsuspecting passersby.  (See what I did there, eh eh?)

STEP 3: SAYING THE RIGHT THING AT THE WRONG TIME

Getting your beloved to notice you is as simple as knowing when to speak up at just the opportune moment.  When she’s crying over the death of her fourteen-year old cat, don’t just stand there and offer condolences like a sissy, take that shining opportunity to tell her how you really feel.   “I’m really very sorry that Fluffy ended up diving head-first into a bucket of olive oil, but at least now we can be together without his constant judgment.”

STEP 4: DEVELOP AN UNHEALTHY OBSESSION FOR AN OBJECT THAT IS NOT NORMALLY SEEN AS OBSESSION-WORTHY

This step takes you a little out of the mainframe of only idolizing other people and allows you to truly express your deep-seated love for mayonnaise and sea turtles.  Especially when you take every chance you get to share your love for mayonnaise, which everyone knows is the godliest form of heaven on earth in your mouth.

STEP 5: THE CLOSE RELATIVE OF THE CREEPER—THE DOUCHEBAG

Keep a weather eye out for this cultural offender, because you can definitely take notes from the way this guy presents himself.  If you’re looking for a signpost to wear around your neck proclaiming your creepish tendencies, then look no further than the wardrobe of the douchebag—it’s instantly recognizable and automatically gives you a certain reputation to be noticed as soon as you enter the room.  A few staple pieces of the douchebag-turned-creeper’s wardrobe are:

THE ASCOT.

SHERBERT COLORED POLO AND PLAID SHORTS COMBO

DRESS LIKE A HIPSTER VERSION OF A ‘70S PORN INDUSTRY BOSS

STEP 6: USE SOCIAL TECHNOLOGY TO ITS FULLEST ADVANTAGES

That’s right, you tech nerds, you’re going to have to jump on the social bandwagon and get a Facebook, Twitter, even a MySpace, which is where the REAL creepers hang out these days, and use them like they’re going out of style.  Don’t forget the endless benefits of good ‘ole fashioned hacking if you’re curious who you’re beloved has been emailing and texting back and forth with.

STEP 7: DRIVE AN UNMARKED, WHITE VAN EVERYWHERE YOU GO

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit makes bank off of these guys—but you’re just driving the van, not actually committing any felonies.  That’s another ten-step list altogether.  (Remember: Creepery is about devotion and loyalty, not stealing children.)

STEP 8: REFERENCE DEXTER IN REAL LIFE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE

We all have our idiosyncrasies, and appreciating a man who knows how to solve problems is a great one to have.  Whenever you happen upon a tense moment or a frustrating problem, pontificate about “What Would Dexter Do?” to the people nearby.  They are sure to get an appreciation for your thoughtful criminality and meticulous mastermind.

STEP 9: BECOME A BRITISH JUDGE ON A REALITY TV GAME SHOW.

With this step, not only are you instantly famous and known for being a “British hardass,” but you also get to make inappropriate comments towards the young, attractive girls on the shows.  Don’t forget to use those sexual euphemisms we talked about, and maybe you can even show the guys some love!


STEP 10: CHANGE YOUR NAME TO SOMETHING REALLY AWKWARD, BECOME A POLITICIAN, THEN SEND PHOTOS OF YOUR JUNK TO THE INTERNET AT LARGE.                          

This one’s really pretty self-explanatory.

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So there you have it, folks!  And remember, the Art of the Creep is a delicate one that only the truly gifted can master.  It is a fine line between complete imbecile and wanted felon.  Tread carefully, and go share some mayo love.  Happy creeping!

–Emma H. from Charcoal Renderings

3 Comments leave one →
  1. August 17, 2011 3:28 pm

    Although I’d don’t aspire to be a creeper; these are good tips to have on hand just in case.

  2. August 29, 2011 10:32 am

    You had me at your Hey Arnold references. <3

  3. Tahlia Newland permalink
    September 4, 2011 5:44 pm

    LOL. A honk for you.

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