Melissa is writing for Glamour.
Oh, hey, it’s me. That girl that writes shit. Sorry I’ve been lazeballs (<– can we please make this the new amazeballs?). (<– Neither lazeballs nor amazeballs had little red underlines the first time I wrote them. Amazeballs.)
Speaking of amazeballs, I’m assuming everyone in the entire world watched Bachelor Pad tonight and saw the most premium meltdown in ABC-“romance show”-aka-producers-are-seriously-fucking-with-mentally-unstable-bitches history.
Oh, you missed it?
That was the high point.
And this, of course, is the (32-going-on-14-year-old) girl that came into the show wanting to prove that she’s drama free and totes not batshit crazy. Mission accomplished. (<– Not.)
Besides realizing that compared to this bitch I am even more awesome than I previously thought, it also dawned on me that Melissa 100% must be writing for Glamour. And, in fact, most likely wrote a romantic advice article that quite literally brought me to tears it was so out of control.
The title? 5 Sneaky Questions to Ask a Man.
What would happen if you actually asked a man these questions? You would get kicked off of Bachelor Pad, but not before asking every single person 14 times if they voted for you.
Ok, so here’s the premise for the article: Want to ask a guy something on a date? Don’t want to actually ask him? Want to ask him a fucking crazy insane question that makes absolutely no sense because some dipshit from OkCupid made some ridiculous statistics say whatever they wanted to trick you into looking like a total asshat and uphold the stereotype of girls being out of their goddamn minds and overanalyzing everything? THIS IS THE ARTICLE FOR YOU. (<— Brought to you by either Melissa, or her brain twin.)
And yes, I will break it down for you. I hope this isn’t plagiarism.
If you really want to know: Does he usually sleep with someone on the first date?
Ask him: Do you like beer?
Rationale: Apparently people who like beer are more likely to get it in on the first date.
Counterpoint from me: … just ask if he has a penis. Same thing. (Oh wait, that’s assuming you’re attractive. If you’re not, then the beer might actually make a difference. Sorry.)
If you really want to know: How smart is he?
Ask him: Do you have a TV in your bedroom?
Rationale: Guys with TVs in their bedrooms aren’t as smart.
Counterpoint from me: Or you could say something intelligent and see how he responds. Or, you know, ask him if he has a TV in his room as if you’re planning on being there later so you can have sex because he loves beer.
If you really want to know: Whom did he vote for in the last presidential election?
Ask him: Do you prefer simplicity or complexity?
Rationale: I actually didn’t care enough to read what the reason behind this one was, because it’s so out of control fucking stupid. What does that question even mean?
Counterpoint from me: See “Rationale.” If he answers in terms of carbohydrate preference, though, then you don’t even need to ask #2. (<– Total nerd joke. I’m embarrassing.) But really, have a normal conversation. Did he mention Whole Foods? Does he shop at Urban? Is he currently stoned? Is he 18-25 and doesn’t seem like he would know anything about politics and grew up in a wealthy family and just thinks money exists because it exists and that everyone deserves some? He voted for Obama. Or he forgot to vote, but then told everyone he voted for Obama. Either way, he’s a firm believer in change.
Questions 4 AND 5 (<– BAM)
If you really want to know: Does he ever want kids?
Then ask him: At the movies, do you leave before the credits are finished? OR Do you believe in miracles? (<– Yes, I’m being serious. That’s actually what it said.)
Rationale: People that leave before the credits generally want kids, but OkCupid has no idea why, which is shocking because everything else has been so scientific. Oh, and then birth is a miracle, ergo guys who believe in miracles… believe in birth?
Counterpoint from me: You know, I can’t even argue with these. I feel like I can’t get through a conversation with anyone without asking them when they leave the movies or how they feel about miracles. This is just so seamlessly sneaky, the guy will have no idea that he’s really pouring out his heart and soul (and soon his seed, if he likes beer).
Well, thanks to Melissa or whoever wrote this. I’m glad you cleared all that up for me. But watch it, because the tables have turned, and it looks like I figured out the actual thought process behind this string of questions. This is what you’re really asking:
1. Does he want to do me?
2. If I get knocked up, what kind of intelligence genes am I working with here?
3. If they’re not to my liking, will he care if I get a shmashmortion?
4. If I keep it, will he help me take care of my miracle?
Sex and babies. It’s all we care about, and it’s all we’re good for. Thanks, Glamour.