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I’m Snoop Dogg.

October 20, 2011

No, I haven’t been smoking mad weed, thus explaining why I haven’t posted in over a month.  That’s because I suck at life.

But seriously, LOOK:

Snoop Dogg, Halloween 2010

Me, Venice [Beach] a few Fridays ago after this dude let me borrow his head

I’m going to send this to E! for their Fashion Police segment “Bitch Stole My Look!” and see if they’ll put me on TV as the bitch that stole Snoop Dogg’s look. (#bucketlist)

I think this is the coolest thing that has ever happened to me.  Previously, the coolest thing that ever happened to me was meeting some guy in Venice dressed as the Count from Sesame Street for absolutely no reason.  And then watching a fight in the street after.  And then asking a guy for one of his pepperonis (ON HIS PIZZA).  (<– Oh ya, this guy I went on an awkward date with that I never responded to  later told me via angry text after I even more awkwardly saw him out that I’m a stereotypical So Cal girl and he’d “rather date a chubby girl than someone who has to work out all the time to feel good about herself and try to look like a supermodel and not feel bad about eating pizza” and as he was texting me this I was eating a 10-piece chicken nugs and fries from McDonald’s.  But I digress.)

Anyway, I’m Snoop Dogg.  We’re twins. Go me.

[I was just going to make a joke about going to chill in Gangsta's Paradise but I realized that's Coolio. Lolz. P.S. Where is that guy? Hint hint, VH1.]

Melissa is writing for Glamour.

August 29, 2011

Oh, hey, it’s me.  That girl that writes shit.  Sorry I’ve been lazeballs (<– can we please make this the new amazeballs?).  (<– Neither lazeballs nor amazeballs had little red underlines the first time I wrote them.  Amazeballs.)

Speaking of amazeballs, I’m assuming everyone in the entire world watched Bachelor Pad  tonight and saw the most premium meltdown in ABC-“romance show”-aka-producers-are-seriously-fucking-with-mentally-unstable-bitches history.

Oh, you missed it?

That was the high point.

And this, of course, is the (32-going-on-14-year-old) girl that came into the show wanting to prove that she’s drama free and totes not batshit crazy.  Mission accomplished. (<– Not.)

Besides realizing that compared to this bitch I am even more awesome than I previously thought, it also dawned on me that Melissa 100% must be writing for Glamour.  And, in fact, most likely wrote a romantic advice article that quite literally brought me to tears it was so out of control.

The title? 5 Sneaky Questions to Ask a Man.

What would happen if you actually asked a man these questions? You would get kicked off of Bachelor Pad, but not before asking every single person 14 times if they voted for you.

Ok, so here’s the premise for the article: Want to ask a guy something on a date?  Don’t want to actually ask him? Want to ask him a fucking crazy insane question that makes absolutely no sense because some dipshit from OkCupid made some ridiculous statistics say whatever they wanted to trick you into looking like a total asshat and uphold the stereotype of girls being out of their goddamn minds and overanalyzing everything? THIS IS THE ARTICLE FOR YOU. (<— Brought to you by either Melissa, or her brain twin.)

And yes, I will break it down for you.  I hope this isn’t plagiarism.

Question 1

If you really want to know: Does he usually sleep with someone on the first date?

Ask him: Do you like beer?

Rationale: Apparently people who like beer are more likely to get it in on the first date.

Counterpoint from me: … just ask if he has a penis.  Same thing. (Oh wait, that’s assuming you’re attractive.  If you’re not, then the beer might actually make a difference. Sorry.)

Question 2

If you really want to know: How smart is he?

Ask him: Do you have a TV in your bedroom?

Rationale: Guys with TVs in their bedrooms aren’t as smart.

Counterpoint from me: Or you could say something intelligent and see how he responds. Or, you know, ask him if he has a TV in his room as if you’re planning on being there later so you can have sex because he loves beer.

Question 3

If you really want to know: Whom did he vote for in the last presidential election?

Ask him: Do you prefer simplicity or complexity?

Rationale: I actually didn’t care enough to read what the reason behind this one was, because it’s so out of control fucking stupid. What does that question even mean?

Counterpoint from me: See “Rationale.”  If he answers in terms of carbohydrate preference, though, then you don’t even need to ask #2. (<– Total nerd joke.  I’m embarrassing.)  But really, have a normal conversation.  Did he mention Whole Foods? Does he shop at Urban? Is he currently stoned? Is he 18-25 and doesn’t seem like he would know anything about politics and grew up in a wealthy family and just thinks money exists because it exists and that everyone deserves some? He voted for Obama. Or he forgot to vote, but then told everyone he voted for Obama.  Either way, he’s a firm believer in change.

Questions 4 AND 5 (<– BAM)

If you really want to know: Does he ever want kids?

Then ask him: At the movies, do you leave before the credits are finished? OR Do you believe in miracles? (<– Yes, I’m being serious.  That’s actually what it said.)

Rationale: People that leave before the credits generally want kids, but OkCupid has no idea why, which is shocking because everything else has been so scientific.  Oh, and then birth is a miracle, ergo guys who believe in miracles… believe in birth?

Counterpoint from me: You know, I can’t even argue with these.  I feel like I can’t get through a conversation with anyone without asking them when they leave the movies or how they feel about miracles.  This is just so seamlessly sneaky, the guy will have no idea that he’s really pouring out his heart and soul (and soon his seed, if he likes beer).

Well, thanks to Melissa or whoever wrote this.  I’m glad you cleared all that up for me.  But watch it, because the tables have turned, and it looks like I figured out the actual thought process behind this string of questions.  This is what you’re really asking:

1. Does he want to do me?

2. If I get knocked up, what kind of intelligence genes am I working with here?

3. If they’re not to my liking, will he care if I get a shmashmortion?

4. If I keep it, will he help me take care of my miracle?

Sex and babies.  It’s all we care about, and it’s all we’re good for.  Thanks, Glamour.

I’m really good at friends.

August 17, 2011
tags:

Even online ones that I don’t know and learn about [their uteri (<-- plural of uterus)] by reading their blogs.

Was that creepy?  Perfect. Because that fits with the theme of this post from Emma K. Harr with whom I swapped blogs and explained to her how to be an actress.  I’m really good at advice too.

So here she is.  Enjoy her (and her Dexter references). (<– Not in a sexual way(<–Except for the Dexter references))

____________________________________

Well, hello there, you attractive audience, you!

I know, I know, I’m here just in the nick of time because you were about to forsake the good life and leave us all behind by taking the proverbial eternal plunge for fear I might not show up to save you, and lo and behold, here I am, rescuing you just as you were about to lean out too far over the chasm and meet your own premature demise.

And what a shame THAT would have been!

Because today, ladies and gents, I am here to share with you the Wisdom Of Olde that is only passed down through the generations, and these golden nuggets of grandiloquence I have resolved to pass unto thee contain knowledge the likes of which ye have probably ne’er seen before nor will e’er see agayne!!!

…Ahem…

So, without further ado, I present to you…

HOW TO BE A CREEPER IN TEN STEPS OR LESS

We all know someone whom we just can’t bear to live without knowing every single step they take, so buck up all you creeper-hopefuls!  This list is a comprehensive guide to becoming a better lover, friend, neighbor, slightly overbearing coworker, or genuinely concerned citizen.  And I mean, let’s be real, we all know that your beloved is playing hard to get, so you gotta up the stakes to make them realize they love you back

This is a comprehensive process, but each step can be enacted on its own apart from the others depending on your personal preference of creep. 

STEP 1: PICK SOMEONE TO FIXATE ON.  THEN DON’T STOP FIXATING ON THEM.

Urban Dictionary defines a ‘creeper’ as “a person who does weird things, like stares at you while you sleep, or looks at you for hours through a window. Usually a close friend or relative. You know right away if that person is a creeper or does creeper things. It is not hard to spot the creeper.”

The basic concept of this rule is to always be there.   At every turn, behind every tree, inside every conveniently-placed trashcan, you are there for her/him.  You are loyalty incarnate, my friend!  (Just be mindful of your subject’s affinity for punching things.)

STEP 2: SEXUAL EUPHEMISMS

Learn them.  Hone them.  Whip them out on unsuspecting passersby.  (See what I did there, eh eh?)

STEP 3: SAYING THE RIGHT THING AT THE WRONG TIME

Getting your beloved to notice you is as simple as knowing when to speak up at just the opportune moment.  When she’s crying over the death of her fourteen-year old cat, don’t just stand there and offer condolences like a sissy, take that shining opportunity to tell her how you really feel.   “I’m really very sorry that Fluffy ended up diving head-first into a bucket of olive oil, but at least now we can be together without his constant judgment.”

STEP 4: DEVELOP AN UNHEALTHY OBSESSION FOR AN OBJECT THAT IS NOT NORMALLY SEEN AS OBSESSION-WORTHY

This step takes you a little out of the mainframe of only idolizing other people and allows you to truly express your deep-seated love for mayonnaise and sea turtles.  Especially when you take every chance you get to share your love for mayonnaise, which everyone knows is the godliest form of heaven on earth in your mouth.

STEP 5: THE CLOSE RELATIVE OF THE CREEPER—THE DOUCHEBAG

Keep a weather eye out for this cultural offender, because you can definitely take notes from the way this guy presents himself.  If you’re looking for a signpost to wear around your neck proclaiming your creepish tendencies, then look no further than the wardrobe of the douchebag—it’s instantly recognizable and automatically gives you a certain reputation to be noticed as soon as you enter the room.  A few staple pieces of the douchebag-turned-creeper’s wardrobe are:

THE ASCOT.

SHERBERT COLORED POLO AND PLAID SHORTS COMBO

DRESS LIKE A HIPSTER VERSION OF A ‘70S PORN INDUSTRY BOSS

STEP 6: USE SOCIAL TECHNOLOGY TO ITS FULLEST ADVANTAGES

That’s right, you tech nerds, you’re going to have to jump on the social bandwagon and get a Facebook, Twitter, even a MySpace, which is where the REAL creepers hang out these days, and use them like they’re going out of style.  Don’t forget the endless benefits of good ‘ole fashioned hacking if you’re curious who you’re beloved has been emailing and texting back and forth with.

STEP 7: DRIVE AN UNMARKED, WHITE VAN EVERYWHERE YOU GO

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit makes bank off of these guys—but you’re just driving the van, not actually committing any felonies.  That’s another ten-step list altogether.  (Remember: Creepery is about devotion and loyalty, not stealing children.)

STEP 8: REFERENCE DEXTER IN REAL LIFE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE

We all have our idiosyncrasies, and appreciating a man who knows how to solve problems is a great one to have.  Whenever you happen upon a tense moment or a frustrating problem, pontificate about “What Would Dexter Do?” to the people nearby.  They are sure to get an appreciation for your thoughtful criminality and meticulous mastermind.

STEP 9: BECOME A BRITISH JUDGE ON A REALITY TV GAME SHOW.

With this step, not only are you instantly famous and known for being a “British hardass,” but you also get to make inappropriate comments towards the young, attractive girls on the shows.  Don’t forget to use those sexual euphemisms we talked about, and maybe you can even show the guys some love!


STEP 10: CHANGE YOUR NAME TO SOMETHING REALLY AWKWARD, BECOME A POLITICIAN, THEN SEND PHOTOS OF YOUR JUNK TO THE INTERNET AT LARGE.                          

This one’s really pretty self-explanatory.

————————————————————————

So there you have it, folks!  And remember, the Art of the Creep is a delicate one that only the truly gifted can master.  It is a fine line between complete imbecile and wanted felon.  Tread carefully, and go share some mayo love.  Happy creeping!

–Emma H. from Charcoal Renderings

Her name is not Ernie.

August 3, 2011

“Did she just say blow job? What was that about her throat?  She’s ‘Ernie’????”

Watch this and tell me it won’t  be on tosh.0 in a week.

And yeah, if you can’t make it out, she did, in fact, say “Tonight I am feeling to make you enjoy with a blow job.”  And she wants to feel in her throat.  And if you make it all the way towards end, Gionny Scandal is pantomiming a cum shower with a water bottle onto the Euro version of Rebecca Black.  In case you were wondering.

Context is everything.

July 21, 2011

Except in this case it makes barely any difference, but just go with it.

Since I’ve been a posting slacker lately, I’m not sure if/how many times I’ve admitted/mentioned this, but I’m disgustingly obsessed with Jeopardy.  As in I have a series DVR recording.  Even the old episodes that air on Saturdays.  Many of which I’ve seen and remember seeing years ago because I’ve been watching it my entire life.  And I record it in HD.  And no, there is no reason that a blue box with white writing needs to be in HD.  But I do it anyway and take up the extra space on the DVR, because it’s fucking Jeopardy.

Well, if you know anything about Jeopardy a.k.a. want me to ever talk to you/be friends with you, you’ll know that you really have to pay attention to the categories.  You’ll also know that the writers try to get cute and give really fucking obvious hints in the clues to basically give away $200+ dollars on ridiculously easy questions that are 1,000,000 times simpler than anything they ask you in the online test to qualify for the show that I have yet to champion.  God. Damnit.

Well, on one of the episodes this week (who knows which, because I watched 5 in a row tonight), there’s pretty much no excuse for this clue.

Ok, so out of context, by raise of hands, how many of you take this to mean that not only was Robin Hood slipping money from the rich into the hands of the poor, but he was also slipping his hands into Little John’s asshole?  I think I count about 5,000,000 raised hands.  (<– I just wrote “hands” a lot.  Maybe I should just insert a “finger” instead. (<– Pun intended, duh.))

Also, out of context, by raise of hands, how many of you think the “answer in the form of a question” is “What is man bitch?” Again, 5 mil plus.  (For the record, we also would have accepted “cock attendant” and “penis servant”.)

As if it even matters at this point, I’ll put it in context for you:  The category indicated that the correct response would have the word “right” in it.  The correct response was “right hand man”.  The word “fingered” was a hint at the word “hand” in the correct response, which was a reference to the “hand jobs” that Little John was apparently giving Robin Hood, whose name could possibly be a reference to his uncircumcised penis.  We’ll have to ask Little John to confirm.  Either way, merry adventures, indeed.

Now, for the past few hours, I admit I have been trying to figure out how to insert a “finger” or two (<– pun intended) into my own writing slash everyone’s lives, and I suppose we could.  After all, it seems as though “fingered” in this case means “called upon” or “chosen.”

Therefore, when my friend gets a new job or promotion, I can tell everyone she was fingered for the position.

Obama can also finger appointees.  For reals. Nobody can even get mad.  (Except for Clinton, he’ll be pissed.)

Except for oh yeah, the effing dictionary doesn’t recognize that definition.  Awesome.  I’m glad that Jeopardy writers have reached the same level as Disney animators.  Yet another element of my childhood tainted by sex.  And you wonder where all this comes from.

But I should probably stop complaining, because I’m awesome.  Finger on.

You had me at “ex transsexual”.

July 21, 2011

I’m a Yes Person.  When people invite me to things, I say “yes,” especially when they make a good case for why I’m going to have an awesome time at said thing.

When my friend forwarded me this 3-year-old [probably fake] invitation, I got really upset that I was never given the opportunity to accept and attend what probably would have been a mass suicide or being-probed-by-[people who think they are]aliens kind of scenario.  I think (nay, I know) that I really would have enjoyed it.

Life Changing is right.  How could you not want to hang out with someone who has overcome HIV, lifted the burden of transexuality and made 2 babies with a uterus-free lady?  The only thing that genuinely concerns me is that he would abandon his post as a wizard. Really?  A wizard is the best thing you can be.  I should know, I am one.

But for reals, Prophet Isaac.  Wherever you are.  Take me away with you.

(P.S. “Thailand” came up as one of the automatically generated tags for this post.  Congratulations, Thailand, on your close association with transsexuals.  The rest of the world is glad it’s not you.)

I’m 23 and know how to use the internet.

June 14, 2011

Therefore no, Mom, I do not balance my checkbook.

Then how do you know how much money you have?

With online banking.  That tracks my purchases.

But how do you know if it’s right? Do you keep your receipts and keep track of how much money you have?

No, because I have online banking.  And I remember what I buy.  And it’s right.

Well, I’m going to get my receipts and balance my checkbook.

Cool, I’m going to not waste time.

 

If I had a penny for every time this conversation has happened around the world, I could buy myself an engagement ring and keep up with the Kardashians.

And I would keep track of all the leftover money with online banking.

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