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I wasn’t planning on flying the plane.

April 21, 2010

So, I’m a grown-up now.  Did I stop using foul language and making inappropriate comments?  Of course not.  Let’s be honest, that will never happen.  I did, however, wake up at the ass crack of dawn (actually, it was still dark out) and fly up to San Francisco for the day for an interview (and yes, it did go well, thank you for asking).

Dare I diverge so quickly, but I’m going to have to discuss something before getting into what this post is really about.

As you know (if you’ve blissfully spent an hour ish of your life reading my other posts), I live near a loooot of homeless people.  We filled out the Census together–it was chill.  I can totally deal with them.  Homeless people in San Francisco, on the other hand, are aggressive.  Not cool, bros.

Here in LA, homeless people are generally pretty mellow.  Usually they’re all, “Can I get a dollar for a beer?” and I’m like, “Ooooh, not tonight, not gonna work for me,” and then they go, “That’s alright, you’re still an angel.”  You got me there.

In San Francisco, that is not the same type of experience I’ve had–and I’ve had a lot of experiences with the residentially challenged up in the good ol’ Bay Area.  They are legitimately drawn to me, which means I must physically or otherwise resemble crack cocaine.

This morning, as I was getting off of BART, my new boyfriend, a man was SCREAMING down the escalator about Mary and Joseph giving food to Simeon when he was hungry (he was getting real specific), basically hoping to guilt the Bibliest of the God-fearing Christians in San Francisco (… pause…) into furnishing him with some snacks.  Well, I didn’t have any food, and even if I did, I probably wouldn’t have given it to Simeon.  Why?  Well, I am not Mary (for a number of reasons) and I normally don’t give food to people when they’re yelling at me unless they’ve been drinking (… or I’ve been drinking–then I’m very generous with the Del Taco, an establishment in which I will never set foot again for fear of heart attack/another pepper spray incident.  Long story.).

Ok, so I’m done being totally off topic.  AHEM, so fast-forward to this afternoon at about 4:40 pm.  Don’t worry, I had already been awake for 12 hours.  Clearly, I was having a raging time.

Having already boarded my flight home, I was sitting in my window seat (with nobody next to me–major score) when the pilot began to make his obligatory douchebag announcements at the beginning of the flight.  I’m pretty sure it’s part of their contract to say something that makes them sound like utter tools.  (Just to clarify, by “utter tools” I mean complete dicks, not cow milking paraphernalia.)

You know, the kind of shit like, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking, so excited to guide you through the skies this fine morning as we cruise at an altitude of 35,000 feet.  Don’t look down, ’cause we’re way up here.  Roger that.”

BLERG.  Ok, so what did my pilot say today?

“Good afternoon everyone, glad to be with you today and happy to be doing the flying for us.”

Well, Chip (yes, that is a stereotypical pilot name that I just made up), I’d say that’s probably a good idea since it’s your job and you’re the one equipped to do so.  Was that really necessary?  I don’t think anyone else, including myself, was planning on jumping into the cockpit and taking off.  Looks like you’re going to have to hold off on fooling around with the flight attendants (male or female, your pick) until we land…

Pretty sure that comment takes the douchey pilot grand prize for me, but I started thinking about what other professionals should probably steer clear of such remarks.  These are my top 3:

1.  Surgeon- Hey, you just sit back and relax.  I got this one.

2. Hooker- Don’t worry baby, I’ll take care of you. (Ok, in this case, the client could take care of it himself, but it might be mechanically different and also lack the charm of the experience of paying for herpes.)

3. Mortician- Let’s get you all dolled up.

Ok, I’m done.  This post was really pointless.  I’m sorry if you read it, but hope that at the very least you laughed at the herpes joke.  I feel like herpes is always a crowd pleaser, and it really sticks with you too.

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