You can drink wine by yourself.
It’s probably my favorite thing about wine. Drinking hard A alone makes you seem like a major boozy alchy, which is generally frowned upon. Beer is ok too, but whenever I burp alone I’m always like, “Ew, I don’t even have anyone to be embarrassed in front of. I’m also getting fat. This is lame.”
But wine, oh wine, how I love thee. I’m having you for dinner as we speak. I didn’t get home from work until 8:45 because I left to get these dressers from this girl on Craigslist and then they wouldn’t fit in my car. Major BALLS. Hence, wine.
Ok, so Kimmie is basically guest blogging with me, and we decided a few things about drinking wine alone:
1. Drinking it out of a box alone is not ok. This is not because it’s cheap and tacky, but rather because it’s tempting to finish whatever wine container you open, and a whole box of wine will ruin your life.
2. Wine coolers don’t count. This is because wine coolers are for people with vaginas, and I don’t mean women. Figure it out.
3. The bottle of wine should not cost less than $10 on sale. This means that the original price is probably above $15. This is because you have to convince people that you’re actually drinking it for the taste, because you “appreciate it,” not because you want to stab someone in the weiner after a long ass day at work.
I’m too drunk to think of anything else that’s remotely clever, and I’ve not even had a full glass yet. That’s what happens when you get a job and enter the real world and get stressed and forget to eat and barely drink anymore and your tolerance is the size of a lemur fetus.
Fuck. I’m so excited to move this weekend. I think I’ll celebrate with another sip of wine. (Yes, sip. It will have the same effect on my post-grad self as a shot used to when I was aggressively living the frat life. It’s almost fun though (and cheaper and less caloric. Win.).)