Ryan’s Roses are never a good idea.
In addition to being a homosexual with a beard that is way too young to even seem like a real girlfriend, Ryan Seacrest has a morning radio show.
Based on that last sentence alone, you’d think that most people would gather that Ryan Seacrest is probably not the best person to involve in your own relationship. Yet, once a week or so, people let Seabiscuit all up in their business, and love lives get ruined.
On his “Ryan’s Roses” segment, everyone’s favorite closet case has girls call in being all, “Oh em geee, Ryannnn, I think my boyfriend’s cheating on me.” Then, with the girl still on the phone, one of Ryan’s staffers calls the boyfriend and offers the guy free flowers. Based on who he sends them to, Ryan determines whether he needs to jump in and say, “Yo, WHY YOU BE CHEATIN’?” or “So hey, Ryan Seacrest here, so why did your girlfriend think you were cheating when you’re apparently not cheating, or are you cheating?”
I mean, since we all know that guys love jealousy and they really love it when girls make huge public scenes out of their paranoid suspicions, it seems like this would be the ideal situation for everyone. I, however, have a couple of problems with Ry Ry’s Rosies.
1. The Dax Shepard Syndrome- Remember how on Punk’d Dax Shepard was involved in every single prank, and Ashton had to get rid of him after a while because people would be like, “Hey, aren’t you that guy that works on Punk’d?” rather than thinking “Wow, that guy looks familiar. Is he also my garbage man in addition to my restaurant host and moving guy and telephone repairman?” and it would ruin the whole thing? Yeah, well Patti is the Dax Shepard of Ryan’s Roses.
Leave it to Seacrest to pick the one member of his staff with the most distinctive and obnoxious voice to play the flower shop owner every time. In his defense, most straight men don’t listen to his show, but c’mon. After a while, guys are going to start to catch on. In fact, it happened the other day.
Patti: Hi, this is Patti from Forever Flowers and I’m calling to let you know that you’ve won a free dozen roses.
Guy: *Bleep*, is this Ryan’s Roses?
Mix it up, guys.
2. Every single situation that could result from Ryan’s Roses is a fucking terrible one. These are basically your options:
- Your boyfriend sends flowers to another woman, and he’s cheating on you, and now everyone knows, and you’re screaming at him on the radio, and Ryan Seacrest keeps interjecting asking why he cheated on you, and any guy who is listening right now knows your name and what you sound like and will have no interest in dating a psychotic bitch who uses the radio to catch her boyfriend cheating slash is going to know why your boyfriend cheated, again rendering you undatable.
- Your boyfriend sends flowers to his mom or sister, and you still freak out because you’re a psycho and think that you should come first, and your ass gets dumped for A. thinking he’s cheating and B. being a bitch.
- Your boyfriend sends you flowers but Ryan still tells him that the flowers aren’t real and that he’s on the radio because you thought he was cheating and, again, you look fucking insane and will probably get broken up with.
Considering your boyfriend is dating you in the first place, odds are he’s a little bit more into the psycho crazy bitch characteristics than most guys are. But for reals, which of these situations is remotely appealing? I think the only time I would ever call Ryan’s Roses is if I wanted to end a relationship and never have another one ever again.
So basically when I decide to give up on guys and go lez, that’s how I’m gonna do it.
This guy called in the other day and has his own problem with Ryan’s Roses: “Why can’t guys do it? Girls cheat too.”
Well, guy, I’m pretty sure Ryan would make an exception for you, because it sounds to me like you have a vagina. You think your girlfriend’s cheating? Figure out a way to out her that doesn’t involve this guy (who I just realized it must be really awkward for to be outing people):