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I’m just a writer.

January 19, 2012

Though my absence from this blog for the past month might suggest otherwise, I’m first and foremost a writer. It’s my craft (<– #ThingsThatShouldBeAddedToTheListBelow).

And I mean, I’m also a really good actress.  And I could totally be an actress if I wanted to be.  But I don’t have a full on camera crew nor the desire to make a half-ass, shitty “Shit ___ Say” like all the unemployed 20-somethings/coeds out there who are bored as fuck and not actually creative enough to make it work.

Don’t get me wrong. “Shit Girls Say”, “Shit Nobody Says”, “Shit Black Girls Say”, “Shit White Girls Say to Black Girls” – top notch.  But an overwhelming majority of the other lol-m-g-let’s-jump-on-the-shit-so-and-so-says-bandwagon videos really put the “shit” in their video titles (unless they’re total vadges and put “sh*t” or “stuff” instead. Like that’s going to make a difference.)

Regardless of the fact that I generally pride myself in not stealing ideas from other people, these videos have been truly inspirational, and it’s kind of making me sad that I don’t have access to bored film students at USC anymore.  But if any of you come across the following and want to use it, I guess just credit me?

This intro is already getting too long (and probably boring. I’ll admit it.), so here’s my latest masterpiece. Use your imaginations. (Oh, and I know there’s already a video for this one. And it’s fucking terrible.)

Shit Aspiring Actresses Say

I just think I need new headshots.
He thinks I have real potential.
I won’t do nudity.
But like, if it’s essential for the role.
I’m totally fine with side-boob.
So you just want me to hold them like this?
I have an audition.
Yeah, I got a call back.
I really think I’m gonna get it.
This could be it.
I’m so close to getting my SAG card.
Yeah, I have an IMDB page.
I just need my time during the day for auditions.
Yeah, it’s at some apartment in the valley.
I’ve been in some commercials.
I was the lead in my high school play.
Aw thanks, I got them taken last week, the photographer was a-may-zing.
I’ll just have a salad.
I think I’m gonna stay in and work on my monologues.
I need to memorize these lines. This audition is a really big deal.
I met this agent last night, and he totally thinks I have the “it” factor.
I would have been perfect for that role.
He really wants to represent me.
I signed with a manager today.
Oh my god, that’s totally the kind of dress I’m going to wear at the Oscars.
I don’t even get why she’s famous.
I saw Jennifer Garner at Urth today. She’s not even that pretty.
Yeah, just a few student films.
It’s called Naughty Nurses 15, but I read the script and it’s really good.
I just feel like I’m really becoming the character.
There’s so much I can do with the role.
“But, Papa, I love him.”
“And then, he raped me.”
“And then, they raped me.”
I can totally cry on demand.
I’ve been on Law & Order.
It was the one where the girl got like gang raped by the homeless clan of former circus clowns.
I’ve worked with him. He’s such a dick.
I can’t wait to move to New York.
But if I get a boob job, they’ll never consider me for serious roles.
Why are they always complaining about paparazzi? I love having my picture taken.
Can I take your order?

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